10 Reasons You Absolutely Should Not Propose on Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day is upon us. While we heart this most romantic of romantic days, we must warn you that asking that special someone to take your hand in marriage isn’t always the best idea.
Here are 10 reasons the most serious question you should ask on Valentine’s Day just might be, “What color candy heart would you like?”
It’s a cliché
Asking your girlfriend to marry you on Valentine’s Day is about as predictable as the end of any Hollywood marriage. Four million Americans are expected to propose on Valentine’s Day, so all you’re doing is joining a not-too-exclusive fraternity of men who think they’re being clever by asking a trite question on the most obvious day of the year. It’s so unoriginal, in fact, the woman in your life should question if she should even be with someone who can’t think outside the square-shaped box that holds the ring you bought.
In the pantheon of shameful proposals, getting on bended knee on Valentine’s Day falls a hair behind proposing on the Jumbotron at a sporting event. In fact, if you pop the question on Valentine’s Day on the Jumbotron at a sporting event, we recommend you be banned from going to a live sporting event ever again and your girlfriend dump you on the Jumbotron for being lame.
If she says no, you’ll certainly remember the day and the pain she caused. Even if you move on and find another special someone, the day will be tainted by the memory of the rejection. Walking around with an amount of baggage reserved for the Samsonite factory makes you damaged goods.
It’s a headache waiting to happen
It’s great that she said yes, but most men just figure getting engaged means, “Cool. I no longer have to date. I can stop going to the gym.” For a woman, though, getting engaged means the next year-and-a-half will revolve around nothing but the wedding. You’ll be hearing about centerpieces and floral arrangements so much, you just might wish you never popped the question.
You will never get to sleep that night. Between calling friends and relatives and accepting congratulations, you will be up late. And, of course, if you’re rejected, you’ll be up all night crying yourself to sleep. The moral: make sure you don’t have anything pressing set for February 15th because you’re going to be exhausted.
It’s a story
You’ll have to tell this tale for the rest of your life whenever anyone asks how you got engaged. Instead of the weak “I proposed on Valentine’s Day,” wouldn’t you rather have a cool story to tell? Something like, “I rescued her from pirates before we jumped in the water and I carried her safely back to shore where I planted a big wet one on her cheek and said, ‘Hey, baby, let’s get hitched,” sure sounds good, don’t you think?
It reeks of desperation. Seriously, you need to hold your Clydesdales. You may think the chances of her saying yes to becoming an M-R-S increase because love is in the smog-filled air, but a smart woman knows the man is feeling the rush of the day and she shouldn’t let her emotion dictate her answer. Sure, it’s nice someone proposed, but it doesn’t change the fact he lives in his parents’ basement and still work at the video store. The video store! In 2012!
Your moment in the sun will be stolen. You think you’re so romantic — limo, roses, dinner at a fancy restaurant with an accent egu floating somewhere in the name — until you sit down at your table and discover there are a half dozen other guys with the same exact idea as you. By the time your better half sips her wine and discovers you slipped a diamond ring at the bottom of the glass, a woman two tables down from you is already shrieking when she realizes her boyfriend has pulled the same exact stunt. Congratulations, your engagement happened two minutes ago and it’s already old news.
It’s helping stores
You buy a ring and it goes right into the pockets of the people at Kay and Jared. And, seriously, we don’t need those stores jacking up profits because we’ve had enough of those commercials. They’re annoying. If you buy a ring, you’re not helping matters. If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.
Prices for rings skyrocket before Valentine’s Day and you have to give it to someone else. A ring is nothing more than a bribe that costs you three months salary in which you’re essentially saying, “Look, I like you a lot. I’d like to spend my life with you. In case you’re not sure, though, here’s some jewelry to tip the scale in my favor.” Your desire to make her your wife has turned you into nothing more than a late night infomercial host with a depleted bank account. You’re quite the catch.
Drew Weisholtz is a funny guy. Unless you didn’t like this, in which case he’s simply using a pseudonym. He’s written for ABC and other online outlets and does standup comedy in front of actual people. You can follow him on Twitter @undrstoodgenius.