This is crunching.

Er, crushing.

All this time I thought I was having breakfast with a real captain. But as it turns out, Cap'n Crunch isn't a captain...he's actually a commander.

Ya see, Mr. Crunch only has three stripes on his sleeves, meaning he's a commander in the U.S. Navy. Four stripes means you're a captain.

However, if the Crunch was modeled after the FRENCH Naval Captain -- the capitaine de fregate -- then yes, he's a captain, as they only require three stripes.

But why would that roof-of-the-mouth-destroyer be French?  Makes no sense.

And ruins the rest of my Americanized morning.